Nary A Naked Nail


wet n wild came into my life when I was about 11 or 12 — the veritable prelude to teenage angst and an uber-awareness of the other sex. So naturally, I was enticed by this makeup with a kinda edgy name, sparkly colors, and best of all, I could afford it with the chump change I made from grading second graders’ homework at Kumon. Over a decade later, it’s good to know that even with inflation, the recession, et cetera, et cetera, a bottle of nail polish stands true to its 99-cents roots (espesh since a dollar then is worth more than it is now). After all, it’s over a decade later and I’m still making chump change.

I forget what I was feeling down about one day, but in an attempt to cheer myself up, I decided to really splurge. That’s right, not one, not two, but six bottles of wet n wild’s Wild Shine Nail Color. And yea, it really did make me feel better, until I went home, happened to go online and ask a friend what exciting new color I start with, and he said something along the lines of, “Aren’t those all skank colors?” Yea, thanks.

Anyway, on the wet n wild site, there’s a page that ventures to ask, “What does the shade of your Wild Shine Nail Color say about you?” Other than suggesting that I’m a borderline schizo, they have some ridonc (“You don’t mind being flamboyant and you like glitz!”) and cliche (“You’re feminine, elegant, and poised.”) descriptions that accompany each color. Instead, I’d like to explain what was going through my head as I chose each color — added bonus! a review of each one.

Black Crème: Hum di hum, I like black. Do I have black at home? Hm, if I can’t remember, maybe I don’t. Buy. [The color goes on smoothly but chips as soon as it makes contact with just about anything. Top coat highly recommended.]

Red Red: This one won an award!…from Cosmo Girl! They’re legit right? Meh. Buy. [Not sure if, because it won an award, the company changed up the secret sauce to make it better, but this color is awesome and the polish stays intact for at least a couple days sans topcoat.]

Dreamy Poppy: Hot pink! oOoOoO, hot pink! Buy. [Much brighter than the image palate, and I’d say much bolder than the name suggests. It’s a fantastic color, especially for the summer.]

Sapphire Blue: Jennifer Connelly is friggin hot. Minus the drugs part, Jennifer Connelly looked friggin hot with blue nails in Requiem for a Dream. Buy. [Definitely an intense, metallic color that’s more fun than it could ever be sophisticated — then again, is blue ever sophisticated? Takes three coats to get it to be a rich, dark blue like it is in the bottle.]

Caribbean Frost: Let’s just say this will be my “cray cray” color. Buy. [Not sure why it’s called Caribbean Frost — should be named something like Emerald City Lights or whatever. It’s probably something I’m more inclined to bust out when I’m feeling festive, but I promise I will never pair it with Red Red. That’s just tacky tacky.]

Misty Rose: Do I need a more normal color here? Ugh, I’ve already got five…Ok, whatever, one more. Buy. [“Normal” in the sense that its blush-like color is less abrasive on the eyes. I’ll wear it when I’m tired of seeing the imperfections in my nails, but I’ve got a conference coming up and need to tone down the “I don’t fit in here…at all” vibe.]

Those are the sixty-six colors of my bedroom wet n wild nail polish. Thank you. [Best Show Ever]


2 Responses to “Nary A Naked Nail”

  1. I like reading these and guessing who wrote them. J this was you right? I use e.l.f. for my $1 makeup needs these days, there is something about $1 nailpolish that makes it hard to say no.

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